Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

[cougar32d]

A guy walks into a bar in The Ozarks and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist?
Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us!"

----------------------------

 

[cougar32d]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I
was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is :


Always keep your condoms in your car ...

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[vikingBerserker]

LMAO

 

[Gnomey]

 

[cougar32d]

Ten Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument

1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
3. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.
4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

 

[cougar32d]

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, I was preoccupied, looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe we can help each other search. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with long blonde hair, long legs, big boobs, and a tight ass.
What does your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's just look for yours."

 

[Ferdinand Foch]

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[wheelsup_cavu]

Wheels

 

[Wayne Little]

Excellent

 

[B-17engineer]

.

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[BikerBabe]

Okay:

You know you're a BMW enthusiast:

- if your wife has to ask you to move the BMW R23 in the living room, so that she can watch "Oprah".

- if you've talked your wife into following you in the car, so that you can bring the laptop, the folding chairs and ditto table, plus the mini tv along on the motorcycle holiday.

- if you own more than 20 black t-shirts with the BMW Motorcycle Club Logo print.

- if your best shoes are good, sturdy biker boots.

- if you applied for and got the extra loan to pay for the last service check-up.

- if you buy your 3-year-old niece a BMW Club tee.

- if you're only sunburnt on a visor-shaped area around your eyes.

- if your idea of real art is a photo of your BMW R1200RT parked at the Grossglockner Hochalpenstrasse, with the Austrian alps as a decorative backdrop.

- if you get your best sleep in a 6-man tent together with the wife, so that you've got room for the luggage, too.

- if you don't really care about good weather. What else have you got a full fairing for?

- if you think that God invented winter to punish you personally.

- if you've cancelled your subscription of "Home Garden", because there weren't any motorcycle pics in the magazine.

- if you wake up in the middle of the night and worry about your bike.

- if you can recognize a beemersound in the distance and be able to tell model/year, but still can't remember the name of your brother-in-law.

- if you can remember at least 5 cell phone numbers to the beemer club buddies, but can't remember your own telephone number.

- if your touring expenses exceeds the expenses to the mortgage.

- if you think it's pretty normal to have the front fork lying on the kitchen table.

- if you think that the oil stain on the garage floor is your Mercedes' way of keeping you from being able to afford new tires for the beemer.

- if you start your beemer in the garage and just sit there, when it's bad weather.

- if you've got more photos of your beemer than of your children.

- if you get hit by a car and break your leg in three different places, but still ask the police officer if the beemer's okay.

- if you keep a safe in your garage, just for some of the more expensive spare parts for the beemer.

- if you find out where the BMW parts dealers are located when going on holiday.

- if all the links in your browser are all BMW-themed.

- and if all of your shelves are creaking from the weight of the various BMW club magazines, Haynes manuals, Clymer manuals, BMW motorcycle magazines and BMW books.

Cheers,

Maria.

 

[vikingBerserker]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[RabidAlien]

Scientists have identified a new species of dinosaur. However, after years of searching, they have been unable to find any identifiable males of the species. They've named this female-only breed the "Likalottapus".






*ducks sharp pointy objects*

 

[vikingBerserker]

Oh dam