Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

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Sign over a
Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic
Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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On a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another
Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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On a Church's
Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg.
We want tows."

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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity
Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome!
Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.
We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted
if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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At a Propane
Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

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And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town
to take a leak."

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Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution -
This Truck is full of
Political Promises"
 
Saw one on the back of an exterminator's truck near Austin: "We make money the old-fashioned way. We kill for it."
 
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... WOW," the social worker exclaims, are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."
 
A Woman walked into a pharmacy and said she wanted to purchase some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he said, "Lord, have mercy.
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription
 
Cool Syscom3! :lol:
I saw one on the back of a small van the other day, the van came from a company that'll remove any excess furniture and things after people die:
"Overtake this van - we'll clean up your stuff". :lol:

And Cougar? :rofl: Nice one, that! :lol:
 
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."


Wheels
 
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed.

"What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."
 
:occasion5: You go, Sherman!




My Christmas lights plan for this upcoming holiday season:
 

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