Ferdinand Foch
Staff Sergeant
Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
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phatzo
Airman 1st Class
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NASCAR 6.0, NFL 5.1 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. < B>
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NASCAR 6.0, NFL 5.1 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. < B>
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
..
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Girlfriend 2.0 - 4.0 Upgrade.
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I have been having some problems lately. I have been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases I have tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies runs fine as long as Girlfriend is ran in background mode and the sound is turned off.
Unfortunately, I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. Therefore, I have to run both of them separately. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some form of timing incompatibilities.
I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right, as soon as I purged my cache, and realized that no one in their right mind is installing new token rings, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta. Unfortunately, there was a bug in the program and the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time I used SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of Girlfriend and communicates with it in some way. This results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.
Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts and I have never liked how GirlFriend is "object-oriented."
A year ago a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiance 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space: He can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it supposedly came bundled with a feature called FreeSex Plus.
Well, it turns out the resource requirements of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to trying installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install because of insufficient resources.
P.S. Watch out for the K-I-D-S virus because they have an insatiable appetite for memory and CPU time over and above everything else above.
Can't run any Girlfriend programs....Wife 1.0 controls everything...
cougar32d
Airman 1st Class
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
cougar32d
Airman 1st Class
A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back, they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached. Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain some gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a while, then he said: "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
beaupower32
Tech Sergeant
Sorry if these were posted before!
United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
*************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '
*************************************
'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
*************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, we had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
***************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
*******************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
*************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
*************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day:
During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
***********************************
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
***********************************
'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'
******************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault - it was the asphalt.'
****************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
****************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
****************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
****************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
=========================
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
=========================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
=========================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
=========================
A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
=========================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
=========================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
===========================
German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."
==========================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?
I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
*************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '
*************************************
'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
*************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, we had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
***************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
*******************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
*************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
*************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day:
During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
***********************************
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
***********************************
'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'
******************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault - it was the asphalt.'
****************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
****************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
****************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
****************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
=========================
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
=========================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
=========================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
=========================
A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
=========================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
=========================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
===========================
German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."
==========================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?
I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO!
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
No matter how many times I read that I laugh until I hurt. Thanks Beau.
cougar32d
Airman 1st Class
1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
3. When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
4. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
5. What's another word for synonym?
6. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
7. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
8. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
9. Where do forest rangers go to " get away from it all"?
10. Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
3. When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
4. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
5. What's another word for synonym?
6. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
7. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
8. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
9. Where do forest rangers go to " get away from it all"?
10. Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
cougar32d
Airman 1st Class
Why do Bag Pipers walk when they play the Bag Pipe?
To get away from the sound.
To get away from the sound.
cougar32d
Airman 1st Class
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO Cougar!
#2195 is like deep thoughts at 3am.
#2195 is like deep thoughts at 3am.
