vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO That's awesome!
Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
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....love the 'DITTO'
those lights are great.
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Got this in an E-mail today.
Halloween Costume
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his
Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
------
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
Receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your
Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the
Company another nasty letter of complaint..
The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Halloween Costume
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his
Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
------
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
Receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your
Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the
Company another nasty letter of complaint..
The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
B-17engineer
Colonel
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
Then...
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
Aw..man...
...
...
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Classic, -17!! 
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
Then...
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
"Sherman will never go to hell; he will flank the devil and make heaven in spite of the guards.''
syscom3
Pacific Historian
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.
OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,and a deerall eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know ****?
A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.
OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,and a deerall eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know ****?
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
That one was ripe Syscom.
Wheels
Wheels
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Atta girl!
KMeyrick
Airman 1st Class
Syscom-- I've heard the same one with Nuclear power inplace of universal health care.
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
I had not heard that one. That was great Syscom.!!!! This got sent to me today.
Rules for Kickin' Ass
Rules for the Non-Military
Make sure you read #13
Dear Civilians, 'We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has
many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.
For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the
areas where we would like your assistance:
1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of
the National Anthem - kick their ass.
2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest - kick
their ass.
3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of
respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside
and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every
second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this
Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.
4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle
dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others that you used to be
'Special Forces'.
Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old,
now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.
5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a
jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an
ass-kicking (children are exempt).
6. If you witness someone calling the *US Coast Guard* 'non-military', inform them
of their mistake - and kick their ass.
7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn
feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the
military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her - of course, failure to
do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.
9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying it! If she
did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore would kick your ass!
10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's go kill
those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls are not standard
issue in the military. That reminds me - if you see anyone calling those damn
psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass!
11. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines*), 'Grunt' (*Army*), 'Squid'
(*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of endearment we use
describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned
the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.
12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support
our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you
enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of
soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their
families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without
them, our Country would get it's ass kicked.
'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.'
'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.'
'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to
demonstrate.'
'It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose
coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.'
AND ONE MORE:
13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national anthem in
Spanish - KICK THEIR ASS.
ONE LAST THING:
If you got this email and didn't pass it on - guess what - you deserve to get your
ass kicked!
I sent this to you, because I didn't want to get my ass kicked.
WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!
IN GOD WE TRUST
This got sent to me today.Rules for Kickin' Ass
Rules for the Non-Military
Make sure you read #13
Dear Civilians, 'We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has
many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.
For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the
areas where we would like your assistance:
1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of
the National Anthem - kick their ass.
2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest - kick
their ass.
3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of
respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside
and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every
second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this
Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.
4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle
dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others that you used to be
'Special Forces'.
Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old,
now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.
5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a
jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an
ass-kicking (children are exempt).
6. If you witness someone calling the *US Coast Guard* 'non-military', inform them
of their mistake - and kick their ass.
7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn
feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the
military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her - of course, failure to
do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.
9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying it! If she
did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore would kick your ass!
10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's go kill
those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls are not standard
issue in the military. That reminds me - if you see anyone calling those damn
psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass!
11. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines*), 'Grunt' (*Army*), 'Squid'
(*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of endearment we use
describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned
the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.
12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support
our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you
enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of
soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their
families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without
them, our Country would get it's ass kicked.
'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.'
'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.'
'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to
demonstrate.'
'It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose
coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.'
AND ONE MORE:
13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national anthem in
Spanish - KICK THEIR ASS.
ONE LAST THING:
If you got this email and didn't pass it on - guess what - you deserve to get your
ass kicked!
I sent this to you, because I didn't want to get my ass kicked.
WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!
IN GOD WE TRUST
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Vic Balshaw
Major General
must be doing the rounds Vic, my brother in law sent it to me too!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream in disbelief, cry in despair, howl in pain, and vent their anger in ways they've never dreamed of!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream in disbelief, cry in despair, howl in pain, and vent their anger in ways they've never dreamed of!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Maestro
Master Sergeant
Catching up on this thread, folks. Don't know if that one was posted so here it is...
Social Hierarchy Organization Charts Through The Years
On my side, I'm still waiting to hit the "billionaire" echelon...
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Got this today. It's not bad.
HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with
colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure
of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools
when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to
know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they
are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for
how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls
go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change
of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,
'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account
the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and
thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The
corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it
is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only
Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last
night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with
colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure
of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools
when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to
know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they
are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for
how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls
go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change
of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,
'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account
the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and
thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The
corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it
is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only
Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last
night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
