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Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)
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My Dog
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this He pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than He needs, but He is not required to do any upkeep. If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy S**t, my dog is a democrat!
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this He pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than He needs, but He is not required to do any upkeep. If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy S**t, my dog is a democrat!
Attachments
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
Just in Case You Get a Stimulus Check...
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program.
I'll explain it using the Q and A format.....
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers..
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China.
2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia.
3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala.
5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.
Or, you can keep the money in America by.....
1. Spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2. Going to baseball or football games, or
3. Hiring prostitutes, or
4. Buying cheap beer or
5. Getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-American-owned businesses still operating in the US.
Conclusion:
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.
TO
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program.
I'll explain it using the Q and A format.....
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers..
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China.
2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia.
3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala.
5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.
Or, you can keep the money in America by.....
1. Spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2. Going to baseball or football games, or
3. Hiring prostitutes, or
4. Buying cheap beer or
5. Getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-American-owned businesses still operating in the US.
Conclusion:
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.
TO
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Ok, but if I'm asked by the Misses, I'm telling her TO said it was ok.
sounds like a plan TO!!
B-17engineer
Colonel
When I die, I want to die just like my grandfather; in his peaceful sleep- not screaming, like the people in his car.
BTW that was here. http://www.coolfunnyquotes.com/funnyquotes3.shtml
BTW that was here. http://www.coolfunnyquotes.com/funnyquotes3.shtml
Velius
Airman 1st Class
funny stuff on there!
- Thread starter
- #2,610
Last Sex...
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending demise, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, and says, 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... You don't.
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending demise, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, and says, 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... You don't.
B-17engineer
Colonel
Oh my god hahahaha
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO
Haha !
!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear: "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"That's amazing!" exclaims the doctor.
"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say: "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!"
The doctor was dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never come across anything like this."
"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear to my ankle," the man urged.
The doctor did so and was blown away to hear his ankle plead: "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Only 5 bucks. Please!!"
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. He frantically searched all his medical reference books. "There's nothing about it in here." The doctor thought hard for a moment and then said, "Let me try to make a well educated guess. Based on all my previous experience, I can tell you this much: your leg seems to be broke in three places."
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear: "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"That's amazing!" exclaims the doctor.
"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say: "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!"
The doctor was dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never come across anything like this."
"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear to my ankle," the man urged.
The doctor did so and was blown away to hear his ankle plead: "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Only 5 bucks. Please!!"
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. He frantically searched all his medical reference books. "There's nothing about it in here." The doctor thought hard for a moment and then said, "Let me try to make a well educated guess. Based on all my previous experience, I can tell you this much: your leg seems to be broke in three places."
ScOoTeR1992
Senior Airman
sorry if this has been posted before but oh well its only a short little one
man walks into doctors and says to the doctor "look man you gotta help me" doctor looks at guy and say ok mate what seems to be the problem man say to doctor " I stay up dancing all night and during the day all I can think of is dancing" so the doctor say "well looks like you got some boogey fever" then both the man and doctor start laughing when the doctor all of a sudden says "its fatal"
sorry if its a little corny had to think of something to put here
man walks into doctors and says to the doctor "look man you gotta help me" doctor looks at guy and say ok mate what seems to be the problem man say to doctor " I stay up dancing all night and during the day all I can think of is dancing" so the doctor say "well looks like you got some boogey fever" then both the man and doctor start laughing when the doctor all of a sudden says "its fatal"
sorry if its a little corny had to think of something to put here
Last edited:
Aw...you Guys.....
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
"Did you ever notice how the lonely one, is always standing in the sun?
It is because, inside his mind, he is leaving the group behind.
He closes his eyes, and he escapes, to any somewhere, his favorite place.
The sun's warmth becomes, the scent of a pine tree, or its brightness like, the depths of the sea.
He might go to the ocean, or to the woods.
He'd stay there forever, if he only could.
When he goes there, he's reminded that he's, part of a world bigger than one man ever sees.
It's in this place, independence he knows.
Does he need the group?
Absolutely no!
And when he returns, still smelling salt-air or pine, the group wonders where, he had gone all this time.
They don't understand, why he smiles so wide.
They want to; he knows, they could if they tried.
It's then that they realize, that he is not the lonely one, and then when they all come, to stand in the sun."
~ Anonymous ~
__________________
"Throughout life you will meet one person who is unlike any other,
you could talk to this person for hours and never get bored,
you could tell them things and they won't judge you…
this person is your soulmate,
your best friend…
don't ever let them go."
It is because, inside his mind, he is leaving the group behind.
He closes his eyes, and he escapes, to any somewhere, his favorite place.
The sun's warmth becomes, the scent of a pine tree, or its brightness like, the depths of the sea.
He might go to the ocean, or to the woods.
He'd stay there forever, if he only could.
When he goes there, he's reminded that he's, part of a world bigger than one man ever sees.
It's in this place, independence he knows.
Does he need the group?
Absolutely no!
And when he returns, still smelling salt-air or pine, the group wonders where, he had gone all this time.
They don't understand, why he smiles so wide.
They want to; he knows, they could if they tried.
It's then that they realize, that he is not the lonely one, and then when they all come, to stand in the sun."
~ Anonymous ~
__________________
"Throughout life you will meet one person who is unlike any other,
you could talk to this person for hours and never get bored,
you could tell them things and they won't judge you…
this person is your soulmate,
your best friend…
don't ever let them go."
evangilder
"Shooter"
I went to the Home Depot recently while not being
altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous
evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented
'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty
stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your
butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even
after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing
happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers
swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the
usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and
lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not
sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being paint
and supplies to refinish the den.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to
hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt..
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an red
aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you
ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I
mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh.. ........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was
in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that
bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store
employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step
outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb
in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a
minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner
shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the
manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked
none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the
store.
altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous
evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented
'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty
stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your
butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even
after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing
happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers
swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the
usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and
lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not
sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being paint
and supplies to refinish the den.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to
hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt..
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an red
aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you
ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I
mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh.. ........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was
in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that
bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store
employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step
outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb
in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a
minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner
shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the
manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked
none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the
store.
