Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
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B-17engineer
Colonel
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
It was the kindergarten teacher's birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that it is flowers."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl. So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"Noooooooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy!"
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that it is flowers."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl. So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"Noooooooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy!"
How To Save The Airlines.....
The idea is this......dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore on some airlines, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Some hijackers would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
The idea is this......dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore on some airlines, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Some hijackers would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
There's only one problem with your idea Gary. 
The wives of the world would revolt in a major way.
The wives of the world would revolt in a major way.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
There's only one problem with your idea Gary.
So provide each flight with a case of duct-tape....
Today's groaners. Yep. You know you wanna laugh.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know, I amputated your arms!'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said. 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal..' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
phatzo
Airman 1st Class
too funny I know what my Boss is getting for christmas next year
phatzo
Airman 1st Class
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you have any wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper bends way down and puts his hands on his knees so he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a wittle bwack wabby? Or maybe that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally cares."
And the shopkeeper bends way down and puts his hands on his knees so he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a wittle bwack wabby? Or maybe that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally cares."
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
Snow....
DEC 20th
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've
seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the
porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees
and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering
as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with
a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and
loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement.
Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our
driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved
back and shovelled it away again.
The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes
and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just
missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
DEC 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature
dropped around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and
bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again.
Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much
of snow is now a brownish-grey.
JAN 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became
ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on me arse in the driveway.
Went to a physio but nothing was broken.
JAN 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to
work. She slid into a wall and did
considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white
sh*** last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush
That b ****** snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody
shovel?!
JAN 9th
More f***king snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't
been damaged.Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from
freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over
and nearly torched the f ***ing house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my
hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f ***ing deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
JAN 13th
F ****ing b ****** white s ***e just keeps on coming down.
Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box.
The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back
- I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pr*cks a**e it'll take a
good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the a**hole that drives the snowplough I'll chew
open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b ****** hides around
the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the
street like Michael "f***ing" Schumacher and buries the f***ing driveway again.
JAN 17th
16 more sodding inches of f***ing snow and f ***ing ice and f***ing sleet and god knows what other white s**** fell last night.
I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can' t move my f ****ing toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f ***ing snow forecast.
F*** THIS, I'M MOVING
DEC 20th
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've
seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the
porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees
and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering
as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with
a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and
loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement.
Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our
driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved
back and shovelled it away again.
The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes
and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just
missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
DEC 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature
dropped around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and
bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again.
Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much
of snow is now a brownish-grey.
JAN 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became
ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on me arse in the driveway.
Went to a physio but nothing was broken.
JAN 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to
work. She slid into a wall and did
considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white
sh*** last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush
That b ****** snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody
shovel?!
JAN 9th
More f***king snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't
been damaged.Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from
freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over
and nearly torched the f ***ing house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my
hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f ***ing deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
JAN 13th
F ****ing b ****** white s ***e just keeps on coming down.
Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box.
The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back
- I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pr*cks a**e it'll take a
good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the a**hole that drives the snowplough I'll chew
open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b ****** hides around
the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the
street like Michael "f***ing" Schumacher and buries the f***ing driveway again.
JAN 17th
16 more sodding inches of f***ing snow and f ***ing ice and f***ing sleet and god knows what other white s**** fell last night.
I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can' t move my f ****ing toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f ***ing snow forecast.
F*** THIS, I'M MOVING
beaupower32
Tech Sergeant
This part made me laugh the most.
^ yeah!
BikerBabe
Senior Master Sergeant
Anyway, here's a little prayer that I whipped together.
WW2 aircraft.net, which art onto the internet
Hallowed be Thy server
Thy forum come,
Thine Admin's will be done, online on the forum.
Give us this day our daily debate
And forgive our badly assembled kits, as we forgive those who cannot airbrush.
And lead us not into rare-kit shopping temptation
But deliver us from bad thinner
For Thine is the forum, the warbirds and the information, for ever and ever,
Humbrol!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Nice.
