Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

[Geedee]

Outstanding...almost been there myself !

On a similar line, I've been banned from my local hardware store......walked in there last weekend and this guy came up and asked if I wanted decking ?......I got the first punch in !

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

I went to the Home Depot recently while not being
altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous
evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented
'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty
stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your
butt cheeks WILL fall off.


Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even
after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing
happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers
swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the
usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and
lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not
sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being paint
and supplies to refinish the den.


Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me.


Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to
hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.


The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt..
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an red
aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you
ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I
mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh.. ........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.


Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was
in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that
bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.


Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store
employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step
outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb
in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a
minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner
shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the
manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked
none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter.


Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the
store.

Outstanding...almost been there myself !

On a similar line, I've been banned from my local hardware store......walked in there last weekend and this guy came up and asked if I wanted decking ?......I got the first punch in !

 

[vikingBerserker]

ROFLMAO!

 

[RabidAlien]

The Fert (wish I could claim credit for this one! Read with an Irish brogue)

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
stert workin like a gentle breeze
but soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
will have ye blawin all ower the place
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a'bodys gonnae have tae pay
even if ye try to stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
tae try and stop the leakin air
shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
oot it comes like a clap a thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
michty me a sonic boom
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvnae **** ma breeks
tae the bog I better scurry
aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry
A'body roon aboot me chokin
wan or two are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wis him! I shout with accusin glower
alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair
Where e're ye go let yer wind gan ' free
sounds like just the job fur me
whit a fuss at rabbie's perty
ower the sake o' won wee ferty

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[ScOoTeR1992]

uhm I don't think this belongs here but just want to share it with everyone, found it while on wreckedexotics.

Sobering shot of an SUV that got lit up by mistake, by an F16 pilot near the air-ground gunnery range outside Dugway, Utah.The 'light paint and body damage' is the result of a one-quarter-second burst by the fighter's 20 mm gun, which fires about 3000 rounds per minute. An estimated 70 rounds left the gun; the results are as you see here.

What's even more astonishing is - the SUV was being driven at the time. The driver and the guy in the right-hand passenger seat escaped with some light glass injury to the driver, and a dislocated shoulder to the passenger. The shots hit the gas tank, but didn't explode; the gas just leaked out.

The passenger who normally sits in the back seat had just moved to another vehicle.

The vehicle was on the military reservation, but a full three MILES away from the gunnery range.

 

[magnu]

Object lesson in why you should always drive considerately.
You just don't know who might be in the vehicle you carve up
and payback is a BI*CH

 

[RabidAlien]

Dang. Road-rage is really gettin out of hand!

 

[Colin1]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the Air Force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the Navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Wayne Little]

The Barbie goes ahead no matter what!

 

[Geedee]

Bonzer !!!


Did you know...

The British Navy ships are called HMS...which stands for Her Majesties Service
The American Navy has USN....which stands for United States Navy
The Italian Navy has AMB....which stands for Atsa Ma Boat !

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

Good one Gary!!!

 

[Wayne Little]

How to Handle A Husband

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the
talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful loving couple.' The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America'. We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' 'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you $%#@! crazy?' She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment on.... we have lived happily ever after.'

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[vikingBerserker]

LMAO

 

[imalko]

Check out this clip. it's rather funny...


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Px0wErIeJI

 

[spit5]

http://194.88.148.104/dc/4e/4d/d7/69da1.scssdss.swf?c=47ac3298a973a90fa7
8)

 

[magnu]

The Irish fighter pilot

A WW2 vet from Ireland is being interviewed on the radio and is telling of his experiences in the war

Well now Oid just shot down one German and then Oi looked up behind me and saw three fokkers comin' down on moi tail.

The interviewer interrupts him.
Now I should point out to the listeners that Mr. O'Shaunessy is not being rude as there was a type of German plane
known as the Fokker Wulf 190 .
Isn't that right Mr O'Shaunessy

Ah to be sure that's true but these Fokkers were Messerschmits