Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

Ad: This forum contains affiliate links to products on Amazon and eBay. More information in Terms and rules





Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk: "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the armed forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General, can I get you some coffee, sir?'"
 
A general store and garden centre manager was teaching his young shop assistant how to make a good sale one Friday afternoon, he told the young lad:

'when the customer wants to buy something, try to sell them something else in addition, that way we make twice the sales and twice the profit, watch me, "hello sir, can I show you these pots for that tree you're buying, thank you"

'I understand', said the young assistant, just try to sell them something else in relation to their purchse.

'You've got it' said the manager, 'now go and serve that man over there'

The manager watches the young assistant follow the customer into the the female hygeine department of the store, then watches him drag the customer over to the gardening department.

The manager shook his head, what an idiot, he thought, why drag the customer from the female hygiene section to the gardening section, what is he thinking of. I'll tell him what for when the customer walks out.

But to his amazement, the customer bought an expensive lawn mower as well as the pack of Tampons.

The assistant went back to his manager and asked 'well, how did I do?'

The manager said, 'wow, brilliant, how did you make that sale, what did you say to the customer?'

The assistant shrugged his shoulders 'I just told him, oh well, your weekend fun's completely f*cked, you might as well get one of these and get the lawn done!'
 
Last edited:
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sp erm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results... He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Walmart
 

Users who are viewing this thread