Quotes and Jokes

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An old couple

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows,but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment , has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave...

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98,

The Hilton charges $139,

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

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Wheels
 
Fowler: Inspector Grim, can I have a word please?

Grim: Well be quick; don't fanny about.

Fowler: Of course.

Grim: I've no time for fannying about or otherwise. Fanny about on somebody else's time, not mine, 'cause I 'aven't got any. Find someone who's got time to fanny about and fanny about with them- I 'ave't, mate, so fannying about with me is out.

Fowler: Look, Derek, you're clearly late for your lobotomy; I'll come back later.
Grim: If you get in the way, I'm responsible. Your c*ck-up, my ass.
 
The assignment in composition class was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his: "Papa fell in the well last week..." he began.

"Good heavens," shrieked his teacher: "Is he all right now?"

"He must be," said little Irving: "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
 
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard, and asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was taken aback, but he decided that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to explain everything about the birds and the bees.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was just looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Could you tell me why you asked me about that?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
 
25 Truths of Life


1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it !
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one imbecile that you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to nrecognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends..
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
 

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