Quotes and Jokes (9 Viewers)

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Dug this up at http://www.flightglobal.com/, searching for "Galland" (- who else? )

One of Duxford's Bf-109 pilots was introduced to Adolf Galland.
The conversation went as follows:
Unknown pilot: "I'm flying a 109 at the weekend".
Galland: "The best of luck, my friend. I crashed eight".
End of conversation.
 
Logic!

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.

'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.
------------------------


Wheels
 
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT TEXAS

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few no one has ever seen before.

Raccoons will test your melon crop and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.

A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25, then it stops totally until October 2.

Onced and twiced are words.

Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.

Fix-in-to is one word

A TANK is a dirt hole that holds water for irrigation, watering the cows, or swimming

There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there's supper.

"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it drinking it when you are two.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You Know you are from Texas if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch for "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

4. You see a car with the engine running in the Wal-mart parking lot with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin' to go to the store. (note: in the portion above "fix-in-to" is one word....)

6 All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable or an insect.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables for your own car.

9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

l0. You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Catsup, and Tabasco.

11. You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.

12. You think sexy underwear is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

13. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires six pages to cover Friday night high school football.

14. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

15. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

16. You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm

17. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

18. You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.

19. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally-world."

20. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

21. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop.... It's a Coke regardless of brand of flavor.
 
I'll vouch for most of those! We go through a pitcher of sweet tea here in about two days. Lipton loves us! And a typical conversation at work will go like this:

"Jeet?"
"Naw. Fixin' ta get a Coke. Wan' wun?"
"Yep. Gimme a Mt. Dew."
 
Yankel Goldstein, a rabbi in his late 80s has a part time job as a ribbon salesman and has been trying, unsuccessfully, to sell ribbon to Macy's for many years.

Last week, he made another attempt to speak with the anti-Semitic buyer.

"Goldstein," the buyer says laughingly, "you've been trying to sell me ribbon for at least the last 25 years or so. Now, here is your chance. Send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."

Three days later, four tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up to Macy's receiving dock. The ribbon buyer goes ballistic.

He calls Goldstein and yells, "You idiot, what's going on here? I only ordered enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me four trailer-loads full of it!"

Goldstein replies calmly in a soft voice: "The tip of my penis is in Poland."
 

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