Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

Little Johnny

It is near the Christmas break of the school year.
The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing
more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of
the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Poor Tiger, kicked in the @ss again!

LMAO Nice!

A blond goes to a pawn shop looking for some good deals on whatever is there.

she see's something she likes, calls for a clerk....

blond:"Excuse me, how much for this TV?"

clerk:, "Uhh, ma'am, sorry, we dont sell to blonds."

blond:"What!? Why not? I want to buy this Tv."

clerk: "Sorry maam, store policy"

The blond is furious, so she goes home and colors her hair jet black, then returns to the pawn shop.

Sure enough she asks for the price of the Tv, which the clerk replies, "Sorry maam, we dont sell to blonds".
She storms off again, then colors her hair brunette , and comes back to get the TV.

same result, the store doesnt sell to blonds.

She makes one last attemp, by coloring her hair red, and went to the pawn shop one last time.

She asks"Whats the price of this tv?"
the clerk answers, "We dont sell to blonds, maam."

She screams, "Gawwdammnn it! I colored my hair 3 times, how did you know i was still blond?"

the clerk replies, " maam, thats not a Tv, its a microwave."

...

a plane gets shot down.
This guy bails out. The Gestapo
gets him. His leg's broken and
they have to amputate...

He says, 'Do me a favor. After
you cut it off, give it to one of
your pilots and have him drop it
over my base in England.' So they
do it.

A week later they have to take off
the guy's other leg. Same thing.
'Could you have someone drop it
over my base in England?' And
they do it.

Next week, they've got to cut off
his arm. He asks them again,
'Could you please have someone
drop it over my base in England?'
This time they say,

Nein. Zis ve can't do anymore

The guy says, 'Why not?' And they
say, 'Ve sink you're trying to escape!'


From the Movie "Memphis Belle"

Heh....I remember that part! Ball gunner (Sean Aston) told it over the intercom, after one of the planes (Mother and Country?) blew up.

Yep that would be Amazing Stories.

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God.

He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads:

"Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise.

"P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

So drink to the Black Cat PBY
Damnedest old plane in God's sky
BB-gun for'd and a slingshot aft
Hundred twenty knots when in forward draft.
===========================

Oh the radar revealed a Nippy cruiser
A might bruiser but sure a loser
Cause ol' Fifty-two was now coming
With engines humming
To deal with same.

"Kennst Du den Unterschied zwischen dem Alphorn und einer Blockflöte?"
"Nein."
"Das Alphorn brennt länger."

"Do you know the difference between an Alp horn and a recorder?"
"No?"
"The alp horn burns longer!"

Okay, did some quick Snope-ing on these, only one I could verify was the Colin Powell quote (although the question posed to him and the quote itself are greatly simplified), so I dunno about the rest:


Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when
DeGaule decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US
military out of France as soon as possible.



Rusk
responded "does that include those who are buried
here?



DeGuale
did not respond.





You
could have heard a pin drop



















When
in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the
Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
empire building by George Bush.



He
answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of
its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom
beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for
in return is enough to bury those that did not
return.'




You
could have heard a pin drop..



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





There
was a conference in France where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American. During a break,
one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you
heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he
intended to do, bomb them?'


A
Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three
hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to
shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to
feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand
gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a
dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and
from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does
France have?'







You
could have heard a pin drop..



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





A
U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large
group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than
speaking French?'


Without
hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the
Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't
have to speak German.'



You
could have heard a pin drop..







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





AND
THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE....


Robert
Whiting , an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At
French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry on.


"You
have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically.


Mr.
Whiting admitted that he had been to France
previously.


"Then
you should know enough to have your passport ready."


The
American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show
it."


"Impossible.
Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France
!"


The
American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in
1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen
to show a passport to."







You
could have heard a pin drop..