Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000."

MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

today'sTHOT============================

I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world's smallest violin. Everybody just thinks he's being sarcastic.

lmao!

Excellent!!

Glad I don't have a cell phone...


Wheels

Sorry if this is a repeat:




In case you have some of these tools and don't really know how they are used.



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light .. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'



SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.



BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..



TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.



BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans . Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.



HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.



UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.



Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

To follow up, we probably have all been here before.

Where I'm from, we have Boudreaux and Thibodeaux jokes (Boo-drow and Tibb-a-dough). They're your regular idiots from Louisiana. I am sharing some of these jokes with you guys. Enjoy. P.S. I know there's spelling errors. It's all in the accent



One November morning, old Boudreaux come out of the woods on a four-wheeler dragging a big black bear behind him. The game warden, Gaspard, just happened to be there and saw Boudreaux head straight for his truck. Now, let me tell you Gaspard had been trying to catch Boudreaux hunting illegally for the past twenty years or so but could never catch him. This morning was his lucky day, he just knew Boudreaux didn't have a hunting license, much less a big-game license. Gaspard waited until Boudreaux loaded up his four-wheeler and put the bear in the back of his pick-up and then drove up to him. He got of his truck and confronted him, "Boudreaux, let me see your hunting license for killing that bear." Old Boudreaux whips out his hunting license and shows it to Gaspard. Gaspard say, "Boudreaux, you also need a big-game license." Gaspard say, "Mais, Boudreaux, I thought I really had you. You know I have been trying to catch you for the last twenty years. Now, I'm going to have to let you go, but before I leave, let me see that bear." Mais,Gaspard looked at that bear and tell Boudreaux, "I see you shot him three times, once in the head, and one time in each in the paws." Boudreaux say, "What you mean three times, I only used one bullet." Gaspard say, "Boudreaux that's kind of hard to do with one bullet." Boudreaux then say, "Now I remember, Gaspard. He put his paws over his face when I shined that spotlight on him."

Thibodeaux: Boudreaux, did you get the parrot I sent you for your birthday?
Boudreaux: Yes, it was good!
Thibodeaux: You ate the bird!
Boudreaux: Of Course I ate it.
Thibodeaux: That bird spoke five different languages!
Boudreaux: Then he should have said something.


One day, Boudreaux and Clotile were riding their boat at Bayou Benoit when they hit a sunken log and the boat overturned. Clotile didn't have a life jacket on, and she drowned. The sheriff and a bunch of neighbors came by to try to find her, but they didn't have any luck. A week passed and Thibodeaux knocked on Boudreaux's front door.
"Boudreaux, I have some good news and some bad news for you."
"Give me the bad news first."
"Well, the bad news is that we found Clotile. She drowned. We so sorry for you."
"Well go on, what is the good news?"
"The good new is--when we pull her up, we fill two sacks of big blue point crab."
"Mais, where you put her body?"
"Well, Boudreaux. De first time we did so good with the crabs, we decided to leave her in the water one more day."

Late one Saturday night Thor is sat up in Asgard bored stiff all the other gods and goddesses are down on earth
So he decides to see if he can't get a little action for himself, unfortunately he has left it very late and the only lady of negotiable virtue he can find has a pronounced lisp.
Oh well beggars can't be choosers he thinks so they go back to her place.....
Being a god has its perks and it's Wednesday night before he gets home feeling very pleased with himself, until he remembers
Oh no! I didn't pay her and if the rest of them get to hear about it I'll be a total laughing stock, but I haven't any cash on me and can't get any before the news gets out.
I know I'll go back and tell her who I am and she'll be so impressed she will forget about the money.
So off he goes back to her place bursts through the door announcing
I'M THOR....
You're thore, I'm so thore I can hardly pee !

Foch, love yours! Funny.

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum!!!

Good one VB.


Wheels

New Seat Belt law

This becomes effective September 1st, 2009 in ALL Countries

The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly Designed seat belt.
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95% when the belt is properly installed.
Correct Installation is illustrated below.......
Please pass on to family and friends.
THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE! This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40%

hahahah